Relationships: Divorce and Death – Thoughts and Difficult Questions
When one is divorced, unfortunately there is a lot of societal judgment and shame. I like to think this is changing as we move collectively to supporting more truth, learning and authentic relationships. Leading parallel lives is easy. Truly intimate relationships are not easy, requiring sacrifice and compromise from both partners daily - in large and small ways. The reward is the promise of connection and an easier, more fulfilling life than if one were alone.
If one has worked hard in their relationship and the other person isn't doing their part or there is abuse, then the choice to separate is life giving and healthy for both as it will catalyze some kind of change in both partners - such as peace, acceptance, responsibility (maybe anger!).
I see all of it as a healing process. It is a death needing to be grieved: loss of a dream and a connection.All grief requires support - time and space. After divorce what is reasonably sufficient time to expect someone to move on from the marriage and memories - 1, 2, 3 years - or should this be never? After all, there may have been some great times amidst the pain.
The divorcee may still love their spouse and wished it had worked but knows it can’t for whatever reason. Also, they may have children together. When the divorcee remarries, is it okay to grieve that loss in front of their new partner or should they do this in private? If they are still grieving, what does this say – about them, their former marriage, their current marriage? Is it okay to still remember anniversaries and "the" court date (death of the marriage)? Some may celebrate the court date every year! How should the new spouse respond?
When one is widowed society gives unquestionable and ongoing compassion and support - forever. Maybe this is because in some sense the end of the relationship is outside the grieving spouse’s control and they didn't want the connection to end. And, of course, others grieve the loss of the departed. Death removes all blemishes and strengthens the best virtues. The spouse left behind is a victim of circumstances and life changed whether they wanted it to or not. If the person remarries, is it okay to have this grief continue into the new marriage in front of the new spouse for many years or forever, or should the partner deal with their grief separately? How should the new spouse respond?
Could it not be true with divorce, the partner also did not want the relationship to end and, either it was outside their control or they knew no other life affirming choice? Why are "divorced people" branded as failures versus courageous relationship warriors risking the absolute devastation of a broken heart for the promise of a healthier, more truthful life?