Monday’s post asked the question: what helps with exercising self-care in processing grief and looking for ways to help those effected by the loss of a loved one? In my own reflection I noticed:

Recognizing this is important - grieving is a process and has a timing all it’s own. I need to be kind and gentle with myself. The sadness and grief I feel for my friend Lisa reverberates and makes grief from past losses available in the present. It’s like a cumulative effect. A friend said it this way: “loss intensifies as you get older because you have more experience and therefore more losses.” Processing loss is a needed skill to fully embrace life.

I also felt shock and trauma from the way in which Lisa died: shot by her husband, in her home, with possibly two of her four children present. I still don’t yet have details about what happened except he drove away afterward. Periodically it would hit me that she is gone. My friends and I kept rewinding our conversations wishing there was something we could have done to prevent it – and accepting there isn’t.

I had moments of crying, wondering: Did she know? Did she suffer? How could he leave her to die? How are her children? I kept checking the news to see if any additional information was available on a service or to learn of any new details on what happened. I was grasping for a sense of control by trying to understand something incomprehensible. Ultimately I felt powerless and sad for her children.

I noticed when I pay attention to the absence of my friend, my grief intensifies. When it felt too much to bear, I reached out to others to help me process and hold it all. It helps to talk to mutual friends. I was surprised by some people who reached out to me. One friend said, “I don’t even know the woman and it’s effecting me so much – so sad.”

I realized it is important to work with my mind to embrace life-affirming qualities. Breathing deeply helps me embrace the pain allowing it to wash over. Paying attention to what is present versus absent helps. It allows me to appreciate the presence of love, beauty and awareness to balance the loss and give me relief.

What could I do to help her children? I sent them thoughts and prayers and contributed to a Go Fund Me page to pay for care they will need to heal.

What did you notice in reflecting on how you process grief?