When one is divorced, unfortunately there is a lot of societal judgment and shame. I like to think this is changing as we move collectively to supporting more truth, learning and authentic relationships. Leading parallel lives is easy. Truly intimate relationships are not easy, requiring sacrifice and compromise from both partners daily – in large and small ways. The reward is the promise of connection and an easier, more fulfilling life than if one were alone.

If one has worked hard in their relationship and the other person isn’t doing their part or there is abuse, then the choice to separate is life giving and healthy for both as it will catalyze some kind of change in both partners – such as peace, acceptance, responsibility (maybe anger!). I see all of it as a healing process. It is a death needing to be grieved: loss of a dream and a connection.

All grief requires support – time and space. After divorce what is reasonably sufficient time to expect someone to move on from the marriage and memories – 1, 2, 3 years – or should this be never? After all, there may have been some great times amidst the pain. The divorcee may still love their spouse and wished it had worked but knows it can’t for whatever reason. Also, they may have children together. When the divorcee remarries, is it okay to grieve that loss in front of their new partner or should they do this in private? If they are still grieving, what does this say – about them, their former marriage, their current marriage? Is it okay to still remember anniversaries and “the” court date (death of the marriage)? Some may celebrate the court date every year! How should the new spouse respond?

When one is widowed society gives unquestionable and ongoing compassion and support – forever. Maybe this is because in some sense the end of the relationship is outside the grieving spouse’s control and they didn’t want the connection to end. And, of course, others grieve the loss of the departed. Death removes all blemishes and strengthens the best virtues. The spouse left behind is a victim of circumstances and life changed whether they wanted it to or not. If the person remarries, is it okay to have this grief continue into the new marriage in front of the new spouse for many years or forever, or should the partner deal with their grief separately?  How should the new spouse respond?

Could it not be true with divorce, the partner also did not want the relationship to end and, either it was outside their control or they knew no other life affirming choice? Why are “divorced people” branded as failures versus courageous relationship warriors risking the absolute devastation of a broken heart for the promise of a healthier, more truthful life?

© Copyright 2012 Sage Leadership Strategies, LLC All rights Reserved.

Hiring for agelessness is based upon someone’s consciousness, their perspective, their ability to shift from me to we. The individual is focused on how we can create something great together. These are ageless attributes.

You may know someone who, at twenty, is fearful, domineering and stuck in their ways. Or, perhaps you know of a sixty or seventy-something who is as vibrant, vital and eternally curious as your five year old? Passion, wonder, the ability to work collaboratively knows no age bounds.

These are all qualities that are core requisites for working in the 21st century: the age of speed and technology. It’s up to the user how they manage themselves to make the best use of this environment. They either lead themselves to more fragmentation or more wholeness – leveraging their own wisdom and that of the collective wisdom, their teams or families.

Solving our complex problems today requires an integration of different disciplines and a sense of how to creatively bring together seemingly disparate factors or factions. We can’t afford any less of our whole selves showing up to the party. You hire for agelessness first and foremost by paying attention to the individual in front of you, not just what the packaging looks like or what their resume says. It’s a brave new world.

© Copyright 2012 Sage Leadership Strategies, LLC All rights Reserved.               www.sagelead.com

I’m hard pressed to find a difference. Both are focused on what is good and positive and building on this for positive results.

“Positive Psychology is the scientific study of the strengths and virtues that enable individuals and communities to thrive…This field is founded on the belief that people want to lead meaningful and fulfilling lives, to cultivate what is best within themselves, and to enhance their experiences of love, work, and play.”

This is a departure from the traditional field of psychology and traditional therapy which emphasizes mental illness or what is wrong with us.

The International Coaches Federation (ICF) “defines coaching as partnering with clients in a thought-provoking and creative process that inspires them to maximize their personal and professional potential.” This definition was buried deep in their website. This organization is a valiant effort to set up some kind of standards so unschooled or inexperienced people can’t hang out their shingle and declare themselves a coach.

Both disciplines focus on building on what works, what our strengths are. Neither is focused on what is broken.

ICF defines the distinction between therapy and coaching as:

“Coaching can be distinguished from therapy in a number of ways. First, coaching is a profession that supports personal and professional growth and development based on individual-initiated change in pursuit of specific actionable outcomes. These outcomes are linked to personal or professional success. Coaching is forward moving and future focused.”

Therapy can say all this, especially positive psychology-based.

“Therapy, on the other hand, deals with healing pain, dysfunction and conflict within an individual or a relationship between two or more individuals. The focus is often on resolving difficulties arising from the past which hamper an individual’s emotional functioning in the present, improving overall psychological functioning, and dealing with present life and work circumstances in more emotionally healthy ways.”

This is a description of some modalities of therapy. At my last count there are over 250 therapeutic modalities, with positive psychology being one of them.

“Therapy outcomes often include improved emotional/feeling states. While positive feelings/emotions may be a natural outcome of coaching, the primary focus is on creating actionable strategies for achieving specific goals in one’s work or personal life. The emphasis in a coaching relationship is on action, accountability and follow through.”

Both therapy and coaching should focus on insight, behavior change, actionable strategies and outcomes with positive emotional states if they are doing their jobs effectively. How can you heal someone without enhancing positive emotions? How can someone achieve their goals if they are negative?

In terms of coaching, I don’t know how you can help someone have and be more of what they want in their life or work without dealing with their feelings.

In the marketplace of free enterprise – does it matter what someone calls themselves as long as the consumer goes in with their eyes open and is clear on what they are getting and feels that their Coach or Therapist has given them a service of value – has joined with them in their process to help them move their life forward in ways where they are achieving their goals and thriving?

Regardless of your profession – all of life and work is a healing process to help us be more of who we can be – more whole – fulfill our potential. We are all fragmented in some way or not as “good” as we can be. Each professional practitioner has pieces or elements that help us get more of what we want in work and life. They have similar training and toolkits around deep listening, client relationship building. They may have different theoretical models and frameworks, which do factor in, in terms of orientation and approach to the work.

The disciplines use some different language that appeals to different audiences. Does it matter if they are essentially talking about the same thing? Targeted language is important. Could it be that it comes down to what label someone is comfortable with?

© Copyright 2012 Sage Leadership Strategies, LLC All rights Reserved.               www.sagelead.com

If an executive coach is what you seek, first make sure the person has experience working in a business context on business and leadership issues and not selling life coaching experience.

If a life coach is what you seek, the clearer and more narrow you can be on what you want to work on, the more successful you’ll be in finding a coach who can meet your needs. Instead of overall “life” try to focus on one key area such as lifestyle, losing weight, meditation, relationships, or career. Split focus will get you dissipated results and you may not find a coach who really has expertise in your chosen area.

Cedric Johnson, a Psychologist and Consultant, concisely summarized key questions that qualify a person to coach another. Does this person:

1. Have knowledge and skills in behavior change?

2. Deeply understand the world of their clients?

3. Have supervision and direct feedback on an ongoing basis?

4. Have a self-knowledge and self regulation not to get dragged into the emotional morass of the client?

5. Have wisdom and experience not to practice outside of their area of competence?

6. See real lasting change in their clients as a result of their service?

My adds:

1. What is their approach and orientation to the work?

2. Ask for referrals: from your potential coach; from your friends and colleagues who have worked with someone they liked – and got results with.

Once you have screened on competence and expertise, the final cut is for chemistry/fit. You need to develop a trusted advisor relationship with your coach, otherwise you are marginalizing or jeopardizing your success. All true change takes place within a context of safety that will allow you to take risks, search, test, practice and grow. Factor your gut into the equation.

Ultimately you want someone who is willing to share “graceful truths” with you – tell you the truth in a direct way that you can hear it and act on it.

What do you think?

© Copyright 2012 Sage Leadership Strategies, LLC All rights Reserved.               www.sagelead.com

Here is an interesting New York Times article on the controversial topic of what makes a good life coach – and does age matter?

I do executive coaching, focused on a very specific population: Organizational leaders. All work is done within the context of conducting extensive assessments and creating a development plan, which involves the leader’s manager. All actions are behaviorally-based with targets and measurements. Yet I still have people referring to my work as “life coaching.”

Because people are whole creatures, often coaching executives requires that we touch on aspects of their lives that effect and impact their effectiveness as executives – which includes their personal lives – But the focus is on making them a better leader.

“Life” coaching is such a broad and complex topic. Philosophers, psychologists and poets take very different approaches at looking at and solving the most complex of human dilemmas.

I understand life coaching is focused on making someone’s life “better” in a way that the coachee has defined as better. I don’t think someone should be dismissed as a life coach just because of their young age, but they should be suspect. Age should be one of a number of filters. There IS something to be said for age, which implies but does mandate, experience and wisdom.

As Atul Gawande, a surgeon focused on top performance says, “Jobs that involve the complexities of people or nature seem to take the longest to master: the average age at which S. & P. 500 chief executive officers are hired is fifty-two, and the age of maximum productivity for geologists, one study estimated, is around fifty-four.”

The focus of assessing a life coach should be on the quality of their skills, as evidenced by the degree of success they have achieved in their life (however long or short) and the results of their clients. One can have a long life and not have learned from it. One could have a short life and learned a lot from it.

In addition to education and experience, it is ultimately the quality with which the coach has processed their life experience that gives them the competency (skills and characteristics) required for excellent coaching: presence, deep listening skills, quality questions, clear boundaries, and the courage to give difficult feedback.

What is your take?

© Copyright 2012 Sage Leadership Strategies, LLC All rights Reserved.               www.sagelead.com

Einstein said, “The true sign of intelligence is not knowledge but imagination.”

As a Leader a key piece of your job is to clearly articulate your vision and get others excited about it and acting on it. If you don’t have followers, you aren’t a leader.

This task requires you to leverage imagination and empathy. First, you imagine a world that is different than what you currently see and experience. Second, you empathize with your constituents. Empathy requires that, if you don’t have their experience, as JK Rowling says, you use your imagination to empathize with them. This means you “feel with” them and/or create an idea of what you think their experience is. In doing so, you are best able to translate your vision and articulate why it should matter to them.

Rowling says Empathy is the rare gift we humans have that separates us from many other creatures of the world. We can “learn and understand without experience.”

And we are all gifted in one way or another with our ability to refuse to know. When we don’t exercise our empathy muscle, “we become masters at colluding in apathy.”

When you don’t have empathy for your constituents, they feel it and you are disconnected. They are not onboard – don’t get it or don’t care. It is your ability to enter your constituents’ world that will truly allow you to understand what is required of you – and them – to achieve a different world together.

© Copyright 2012 Sage Leadership Strategies, LLC All rights Reserved.               www.sagelead.com

With a lot of fear and negativity circulating on the planet these days, I have been aware of strengthening my positivity muscle.

Recently, my daughter and I took a trip to Stowe, Vermont, for a girls vacation. On the drive back to Connecticut, we stopped at restroom in a gas station. We’ve all had occasion to visit some of these seedy locations. I was pleasantly surprised at how supplied and sparkling clean it was.

When I returned the key, I made a point of saying loudly how wonderfully clean and pleasant the restroom was – that, indeed, it was the best I’d ever experienced.

You should have seen the look on the cashier’s face, “Really? Wow. Thank you. I just cleaned it.”

“Well, it’s a joy.”

“Wow. Thanks.”

By acknowledging a largely thankless job I noticed a visceral shift in the body language of not only the cashier, but everyone else waiting in line.

It’s too easy to point out what doesn’t work. Try - just for today – to acknowledge what does work and where others add value. You might just sprout something new.

Copyright 2010 Sage Leadership Strategies, LLC   All rights reserved.   www.sagelead.com

Okay, so what is quantum entanglement and what does it have to do with the workplace?

Marilyn Schlitz, President of the Institute for Noetic Sciences in San Francisco has asked the question: “Does our consciousness have the capacity to reach out and connect to someone else in a way that’s health-promoting?” (BTW: Dan Brown based his lead character in his book, The Lost Symbol, on Marilyn and the Institute).

To me, science is catching up with what many of us have known intuitively. So quantum entanglement is described as ”Once two particles have interacted, if you separate them, even by miles, they behave as if they’re still connected.”  So far, this has only been demonstrated on the subatomic level but Marilyn and her team are investigating this possibility with human relationships.

Dean Radin, a senior scientist at the lab wonders: “Could people in close relationships — couples, siblings, parent and child — also be ‘entangled’? Not just emotionally, and psychologically — but also physically?”

I suggest, we think about this concept in terms of our working relationships. I’m sure you have taken worries about work relationships (your boss, co-worker, customer) home – and vice versa – brought feelings about personal relationships to work. There has been a lot documented on the physical effects of stressful work environments. I’m sure at some point you have experienced a stressful work relationship.

What would it feel like if these were joys – charges, positive feelings – about your work relationship? What would it feel like to be engaged with a helpful, positive entanglement? Choose one relationship today to focus on to boost your immune system and allow the other worries to fall away. Just for today.

Copyright 2010 Sage Leadership Strategies, LLC   All rights reserved.   www.sagelead.com

The article in The Huffington Post today by Robert Lanza is interesting, not just because of his provocative message – scientist are now starting to work on experiments that explore the thought that perhaps we are more than purely physical – maybe even spiritual. (We know we have consciousness in a way that no other creature on earth does) – but also because of the  heartwarming story he tells about the day he just hopped the trolley and went to Harvard because he wanted to meet a Harvard doctor who could help him with his experiment. It sounds like a scene from a movie.

Dr. Lanza implies that this encounter was a seed for reinforcement of his lifelong quest to understand more about life through scientific inquiry.

When Stephen Kuffler, the “world-famous” neurobiologist engages Robert, the boy, he doesn’t “shush” him away but instead he listens to him and invites him inside the building where he does indeed introduce him to one of his colleagues. It’s a very human moment that we come to understand had a profound impact on Dr. Lanza. One wonders if this scene happened today, would the individual be too busy answering emails or trying to secure grants to give an aspiring next generation scientist’s brave inquiry and venture any attention – let alone invite a stranger into the building?

What can you do today to listen to, or inspire a tween or teen to pursue their questions or dreams? Just think, if Bill Gates or Steve Jobs didn’t pursue their curiosity and drive while coming of age, what would we all be typing on?

Copyright 2010 Sage Leadership Strategies, LLC   All rights reserved.   www.sagelead.com

Today, I attended a very close friend’s father’s funeral. He was 91 and had an illustrious career as a physician in a specialty area at a prominent New York City Hospital. As with many occasions like this, I was moved by what his family and colleagues said. They spoke about his manner in making the contributions he made to his patients and medicine. He was described as “an old school physician” who had a personal touch, even once driving a patient in an acute state to the hospital in his own car while the patient threw up! His children spoke eloquently and emotionally about the kind of man their father was. I knew him and will miss him.

My friend’s husband said, “It just makes all the politics and office stuff seem so trivial.”

We all have defining moments like this when we are moved, touched by how fleeting life is and called to respond to something larger than ourselves and our view of the world. And then we go “back to reality.” Or, go back to sleep.

All strategic planning processes start wtih the end in mind. What’s your life strategy? What do you want your obituary to say? Morbid. Maybe. But if you don’t envision the totality of your life and what you want it to be about, you may swim real hard upstream, and miss the boat. Or be on the wrong boat.

So set your sail and do some envisioning of what you really WANT and feel CALLED to accomplish – at home with loved ones – and in the world - with how you make money and give back.

What do you want your reality to be? Question your assumptions and perceptions about what is possible. Have you ever had an erroneous belief?

© Copyright Sage Leadership Strategies, LLC    All rights reserved.   www.sagelead.com