I took a break from this blog for 100 days to regroup on my personal and professional life. All I knew is that I needed time to integrate some deeply disturbing personal matters and to not be so public for a time. And despite what I did or didn’t do, stuff happens anyway.

It’s amazing what a business quarter can bring…. And it’s amazing what radical inner re-sculpting events can activate.

My world changed forever and completely in this time:

My father died suddenly and unexpectedly.
Hurricane Sandy wreaked havoc on the Northeast U.S.
The U.S. re-elected President Obama.

My worked carried on but I am different on the inside being effected by these events:

I take nothing for granted.
I am working on radical acceptance of what is.
I have tremendous gratitude for what I have and who I am.

Just those three events aroused a ton of of other emotions in me: grief, sadness, relief, safety, insecurity, loss, hope, joy.

Even though I was able to sit vigil and say good-bye to my dad while the infection that ravaged his body took him within a week, he is still gone and I miss him. Even though I suffered minimal damage from the hurricane, thousands are still suffering and I’m aware of that. Even though I chose Obama as being the better of no-perfect candidate, his re-election still has implications.

Profound loss for what was, what could have been. I’m working on accepting what is. …and understanding what it means for my life going forward.

That’s all for now. Sometimes taking pause and breathing in change is enough. For now.

It’s like in my yoga practice – one of the greatest poses is shavasana. This is where you are lying down resting. It allows for your body to integrate all that has come before it to help it reset itself. In our culture allowing for integration is not valued. We rarely pause and are on to the next thing. Ebb and flow is the grace of nature that can be our greatest teacher, if we allow it.

Sometimes nothing happens on the outside but we change drastically inside. Sometimes major things happen externally and we don’t change inside. Sometimes it’s hard to change both our external circumstances and our worldview at once. All change requires energy – and we have a finite amount to manage. When things are moving, you need stability somewhere to navigate the waters. Slow down and listen. I am talking to myself here.

I’m learning to allow more space between activity and accomplishments. This fosters integration, the precursor to wisdom.

What is new in your world – either on the inside or the outside?

Copyright 2012 Sage Leadership Strategies, LLC All rights Reserved.

The amygdala is an almond-shaped structure that sits in the front part of the temporal lobe of the brain, as part of the limbic system. It performs a primary role in processing of memory and emotional reactions. The reactions could be positive or negative emotions that can be instantaneous and overwhelming depending upon the stimuli and your associations to the stimuli.

There are few downsides to strong positive emotional reactions when leading people. Strong negative emotions could be anger or frustration or an inappropriate degree or expression of these emotions based on present circumstances. Obviously when leading people these kind of reactions can cause damage to your relationships.

When you have been “hijacked” by your amygdala you are in the full throws of an irrational emotional reaction which means your executive functioning has shut down. Your emotions are in control of you versus you managing them. “Amygdala hijack” is a term that Daniel Goldman coined in his book Emotional Intelligence.

Here are a few things you can do to prevent or minimize your reactions and/or recover more quickly once you realize you’ve been hijacked:

In the moment, to recover:

1. Work on your physiology. Take a deep breath in to the count of 8, hold your breath for 8, breath out for 8 and hold your breath out for 8.

2. Place your hands in front of your solar plexus with all your fingertips touching (thumb to thumb, pinky to pinky, etc.). Take a deep breath in at the count of 4 through your mouth like you are sucking on a cool mint. Hold your breath for 16 counts. Exhale through your nose at 8 counts. Do this for at least 3 cycles.

3. Laugh. At first it will be a forced laugh. Stick with it for 20 seconds and typically it will move to a genuine laugh with others joining you – and not knowing why! This breaks up your energy and re-orients you and those around you.

4. If none of the above work, then physically remove yourself from the situation, preferably going for a walk in fresh air. It will clear your mind and channel your physical energy.

For prevention: longer-term, start to notice what triggers intense reactions in you and work to minimize the associations and reactions.

1. Explore what memories they are associated to and reprogram yourself with positive associations.

2. Develop a strong positive mantra (statement of affirmation) that you repeat to yourself in the moment to thwart an attack.

3. Meditate – this can reset your neural set point.

Copyright 2012 Sage Leadership Strategies, LLC All rights Reserved.

So we’ve discussed WHAT listening humbly IS and HOW to do it in posts earlier this week.

Now, let’s talk about times WHEN it is needed.

Well, the short answer is: ALL the time. When is it NOT helpful?

AND, here are a few key times:

1. When you have to influence a colleague or key constituent. To do so, you need to focus on the whats and hows:

a. Content: Make sure you understand their point of view.

b. Relationship: Make sure they feel heard, that you “get it.”

2. When you need to have your constituents understand your vision or buy into your plan of action:

a. You need to make sure you understand their concerns, paradigm, viewpoints so you can best tailor your messages in language and currency that matters to them most and they can best understand.

3. When you find yourself having a strong emotional reaction. This can result in your shutting out new information or alienating others and damaging important relationships:

a. This is what, in neuroscience terms, is referred to as, your amygdala has just been hijacked. As Dr. Relly Nadler states, “The “amygdala hijack” is a term coined in Daniel Goleman’s Emotional Intelligence, his first book on the subject. The amygdala is the emotional part of the brain, which regulates the fight or flight response. When threatened, it can respond irrationally. A rush of stress hormones floods the body before the prefrontal lobes (regulating executive function) can mediate this reaction.”

b. The key point here is: we all have our triggers and our moments. You want to make sure you are proactive about identifying them earlier, more often and managing them more closely. Committing to practicing humble listening is one way that you can prevent hijacking. When you feel the temperature start to rise, take a deep, full-chested breath and ask a clarifying question to seek more information.

Stay tuned for more on the Amygdala Hijacking in next post…

Copyright 2012 Sage Leadership Strategies, LLC All rights Reserved.

Building on yesterday’s post, here is an Operator’s Manual on HOW to listen humbly:

1. Check your ego at the door. It’s more important that your colleague thinks what a great listener you are, then how smart you are.

2. Get curious. Wonder. Inquire.

3. Seek to understand – from THEIR point of view.

4. Stop. Be quiet. Allow them to respond. Sit on your hands if you need to!

5. Paraphrase/summarize what your colleague is saying in your own words. This will force you to stay with them.

6. Listen at deeper layers of meaning and inference. The deeper your go with adding what you are inferring and what meaning you attach to what they are saying, the more fruitful the information.

7. Seek confirmation. Make sure you have accurately captured what they are saying– that you’ve got it right. Ask: “Is this accurate?” “Is this what you mean?” They will confirm or correct you.

8. Do NOT move on until you get the “yes”. There can be no “no,” objection or advocacy on your part until you get the “yes”. This means that you have actually listened AND understood them.

9. Once, you’ve got it – THEN go to action, telling – or whatever is appropriate.

This dynamic of alternating between advocating, inquiring, reflecting – should be fluid and organic, as a conversation is. If you are trying some new skills for the first time, it might feel a little stilted at first. With practice, over time, it will be more smooth.

As you do your daily listening workout, make sure you have a trusted advisor to give you in-the-moment feedback on how WELL you are PRACTICING listening – and humbly. One cannot be an accurate gauge on their own humility. I call this person a “street coach” – someone who is there with you in the trenches on a daily basis.

Copyright 2012 Sage Leadership Strategies, LLC All rights Reserved.

I agree with GE’s Jeff Immelt that Humble Listening is a key competency for leading today.

In an HBR article, Ram Charan points out that listening is a discipline. This implies it requires a level of rigor and sustained practice over time: keeping the intent to practice at the forefront of your mind, doing it, and proactively seeking feedback and incorporating the feedback for refined practice.

I’d like to focus on: what does it mean to listen humbly and how do you do it?

Be honest, don’t you often find yourself listening to someone with a biased view – looking for the “in,” so you can figure out how you need to tailor what you say – to persuade, inform or get yourself heard? This is really advocating in disguise. Advocating is telling, not listening. We rarely listen or listen actively with a truly curious, open mind, putting our needs/views aside.

Merriam Webster’s defines listening as “To give ear to…To hear something with thoughtful attention. To be alert to…” If we give someone our ear, it means that THEY are filling us with information that we need to process. If we are alert and paying attention, we are not assuming what they are going to say but are with them in the moment.

Think about it energetically as to how much you are taking in or pushing out information. Telling is pushing out. Asking and reflecting are taking in. A 30/70 ratio probably is more suitable for the humble listener. Afterall, we do have ONE mouth and TWO ears.

What does it mean to be humble? To listen without arrogance, believing that you don’t have all the answers. To listen without aggression. The notion of taking in implies a receiving, more passive state.

If you haven’t emptied yourself, then you can’t take in. Active listening is taking in, pausing, reflecting and digesting the information. Then you verify for correct receiving, that you have heard the speaker accurately.

Stay tuned for tomorrow’s post –  Humble Listening #2 – Operator’s Manual on HOW to Listen Humbly.

Copyright 2012 Sage Leadership Strategies, LLC All rights Reserved.

The 21st century socially-networked, information-flooded world today requires a multi-dimensional approach to leadership and influencing your constituents.

Although I am quoting from an article in the Nonprofit Quarterly, and the examples referenced are the current debate on women’s reproductive health and other social movements, there are key points that are relevant for leaders of all sectors.

Decide what applies to you as you navigate the whitewaters of organizational change today:

“…leaning into discomfort, I think, is critical, to make sure that what we are doing …is bold enough. The organization had better be feeling discomfort if it’s leaning into new strategies and ways of working….

“You have always to ask, Am I pushing for the change that’s really needed? On all of those levels, you have to continually refresh and check and make sure that you’re getting the most power for the mission by being as uncomfortable as possible. Because change is hard, and the reason why you have to look at all those different levels—yourself, your organization, and then the world—is that if you’re not willing to hold the tension of change as an organization, how can you begin to understand what you have to risk and what others have to risk to make change happen in the world?”

“ …In a world full of current and future ambiguities, leaders have to stay nimble and ready to rebalance their organizations to fit most powerfully into a whole field/ movement strategy. The skills of consultation and engagement with other leaders inside and outside of an organization are never entirely straightforward but have to be kept moving in the right direction whenever a door seems to crack open—or needs to be cracked open.

“In connected environments, leaders know that networks are always teetering on the edge of balance, requiring many small adjustments to achieve a measure of dynamic stasis. I have found that a networked leader has to be in constant motion, paying attention to the habits and the small stimuli needed to incessantly reconstitute balance and motion. One must learn to feel the current of change, look for and recognize resonance, and deploy oneself not as prod, but as a pivot for the many moments of change that are called for every day.”

Keep moving and lean into your edge.

Enough said.

Here is a fun video by Martin Boroson that introduces meditating in a simple and easy way. Whether you are an advanced meditator or have never meditated, take 5 minutes to watch this clip and sink back into your skin.

Meditating is particularly good for people who are busy, stressed or already successful. Meditation is a vital skill for the leader of the 21st century. It enables you to stay in the moment to best identify where your attention should be placed deliberately versus reacting to what shouts the loudest.

In an age of relentless competing attention, rachet it down. Just for today.

Enjoy.

© Copyright 2012 Sage Leadership Strategies, LLC All rights Reserved.               www.sagelead.com

In my last post, I discuss Asana, the company. Founders, Moskovitz and Rosenstein are contributing to the global shift occurring on the planet right now that espouses we are interconnected, transitioning from me to we.  They are living their belief that they can turn a profit in a way that does the least harm and actually contributes to social good.

They believe groups create larger contributions to the world than individuals. They operate from the premise that all problems are solvable if we work together. “While corporations are excellent vehicles for collecting resources and making money to build better services, they are also excellent vehicles for creating joy and alleviating suffering.”

This sounds like Buddha in business attire.

Rubinstein says, “As a collective, co-creators do great things vs. human resources who extract things…. companies [should be] a means to an end to create joy on earth.”

Finally, they espouse a radical concept and departure from traditional corporate speak: Transparency of being – “let people be who they are…” don’t make them have to switch modes when they come to work.

What if you worked for a company that supported all of who you are? What if our corporate culture shifted from exploitation to working partnership to create life nurturing goods and services versus selling us things we don’t really need or want?

I heard a financial analyst the other day give an overview on his view of the economy. “We have been living beyond our means for 30 years.  We now have to lower our expectations.”

This we know. The real question is, can we come together as a nation, as a world and think differently about how we make money and about how much money we really need? Afterall, whatever you make, you can’t take it with you when you go.

© Copyright 2012 Sage Leadership Strategies, LLC All rights Reserved.               www.sagelead.com

Asana – not just a yoga pose but a company!

Dustin Moskovitz and Justin Rosenstein founded Asana to enable teams to accomplish their goals more effectively. They do this by leveraging technology to form a collective memory, a “source of truth” as they describe it. They facilitate self organization so others see the information – and have a more immediate way of acting on it. It’s like a fluid project management system.

Do you suffer from continual partial attention? Their objective is to facilitate optimizing your energy with what is most important at any given time.

These entrepreneurs embody and apply what they know to be true:

• Powering through things and driving yourself is not what makes you most effective.
• Doing sprints, with rests in-between is more effective (as described in Loehr’s and Schwartz’s The Power of Full Engagement).
• In order to do creative work, it is important as an individual and as a company to understand your energy patterns and work with those in a deliberate way.
• It is possible to be in sync – work in harmony with a higher spiritual mission and be a business and a successful company.

Company practices that support these beliefs:

• They have a company chef to make good, nutritious food, in order to maximize energy levels.
• They align their people with a mindfulness practice – to pay attention to what they are doing and how they are doing it.
• Every Friday they have a TGIF where they share one thing they are excited about and one opportunity to put more attention to.

Food for thought….

© Copyright 2012 Sage Leadership Strategies, LLC All rights Reserved.               www.sagelead.com

Sherry Turkle speaks wise words when she says, “Always-on/always-on-you devices provide three powerful fantasies: that we will always be heard; that we can put our attention wherever we want it to be; and that we never have to be alone. Indeed our new devices have turned being alone into a problem that can be solved.”  …versus a mystery to be explored.

What would it mean to not be heard? How in control are you of where you place your attention? What does it mean to be alone?

Turkle’s written a book that explores how we are alone together. Technology’s promise is to support our lives by making the daily tasks of work and life easier.  This should free us up for more discretionary time – to create and be more present to ourselves and each other. It has the potential to bring us closer together. This is all good stuff. The problem is not with the technology but can be with us, the users, and how we interface with it.

Instead, sometimes we use technology to have little-to-no boundaries around our work/life. If not kept in-check, we can be addicted to our mobile devices – when we feel or have a fleeting thought, we express and update our social media status, with little mindful processing or editing inbetween. We can interface with ourselves and each other in ways where we want predictability, efficiency – to wrap things up fast, neat and tidy. We want to hit the delete button on our humanity function so we don’t have to deal in the ambiguous realm of what it means to be in true relationship. It can be emotional, messy and unpredictable. Technology gives us a feeling of being in control and a sense that we have a quality of communication and depth of connection that is not possible in sound bites over the air waves.

Technology has it’s place but it should not replace face-to-face human relationships or real voice-to-voice dialogue. Looking into the eyes of your neighbor or co-worker is not the same as skyping them.

We can’t truly connect with others unless we are connected to ourselves. Solitude allows one to reflect and get to know themselves. This requires a deep, quiet listening. It facilitates a processing where we come to explore, discover and understand what we really think and feel about our lives. We hear our own voice versus allowing it to be obliterated or swayed by the din of social media.

When we have this connection within ourselves, we can be more present and connect with others in deeper and more meaningful ways.  When we don’t have this reservoir to draw from within, we look for it to be filled on the outside. A void within can never permanently be filled from outside and a danger is we can end up living someone else’s life versus aligning with our own.

I’ve come across a number of blogs recently where the blogger talks about feeling alone and his/her community of readers then say, “we love you.” Having a virtual life does not replace a real life in flesh. It seems spending REAL time with people is a lost commodity amidst mobile devices and constant social media chatter.

So, I invite you, on this day in spring (in the Western Hemisphere), to go outside and feel the grass beneath your toes, smell the bursting flowers and hear the birds chirp, and have a sit down. Soak in the sun or sit under the eaves in the rain. Just take it in and reflect. When you’ve sat a spell, go down the street to your neighbor or down the hall to your co-worker and have an old fashion conversation. Look into their eyes and ask about their day. Now, how do you feel? What additional information or insight did you receive?

© Copyright 2012 Sage Leadership Strategies, LLC All rights Reserved.               www.sagelead.com